Episode 1 - Welcome

Palms Sweaty. You can do this, I thought to myself. They have appointed you for a reason. Don't panic, confidence is key. I shifted down a gear and pulled into the car park. Everyone gets nervous on their first day in a new job, I told myself as I got out of my dark blue Renault Clio. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, living in a new country, almost getting myself killed by going the wrong way round a roundabout (what on earth are the french thinking, driving on the right?!) wasn't the best way to start a day, but things could only improve from here.

I walked up to the reception.

"Hi, I'm here to see Bertrand Desplat. My name is Jose Bisela, about the new managerial vacancy"

The gorgeous french secretary peered over her glasses at me, as though she could smell my fear. Come to think of it, my armpits were beginning to feel a bit...swamplike. And what on earth was i playing at?! Managerial Vacancy? You are the new bloody manager! Show some authority.

"Monsieur, please take a seat, 'e will be out in just a moment."

Positive thoughts. Positive. She definitely won't be annoyed at me for not speaking french. Actually, screw that, IM the boss now. Maybe I should fire her for not having a cockney accent. I'll make it the law to eat truffles and watch Harry Potter every lunchtime. Ha! That would teach her. Come to think of it, as a manager, shouldn't I know a bit of french? May have to pickup a phrasebook on the way back. Urgh, the last time i felt this ill I was on a ferry. How can nerves make anyone feel this sick.

A shaven headed, versace dressed man came through the double doors. "Jose!! So good to see you! How've you been! Follow me, we have so much to do!" He said, merrily ushering me through security. "Now, as manager of En Avant De Guingamp, you'll have a press conference later this afternoon, and the key points..."
"Look" I cut in. I just couldnt take it. Best to come clean. Then i can go home, write the trip off as a little holiday. I can tell everyone I met a french secretary, it would be true. I have to come clean, Ive never felt this nervous in my life.

"I just applied for this job as a joke. All that stuff from my CV was on football manager, I don't even speak french, I'm not even called Jose Bisela for christ sake."

Bertrand took this completely in his stride. "Nonsense! You are perfect for the job! I think you are a gamble, but any man who won the champions league with Dover is worth a gamble, no?" He winked. "Ignore what the papers are saying about you, I believe you have what it takes".

"The papers?" I started. "What.."

"Now", he smiled, "I've got to go, but I've set up a meeting with your coaching team. Best of luck!" and with that, I was shoved through an office door.

I looked around. 13 Frenchman, all older, wiser, and more french that I will ever be, sitting around a table. Each nose was tilted slightly up, looking at me in what i can only describe as a french way. Perhaps I should have gone for the Rightguard. Each face had turned towards me.

"Right. Well, thanks for, erm, showing up. So, to start, formation. Last season, what did...."

"My name is Eric." A tall Frenchman with the most extraordinary eyebrows stood up. "I am your assistant manager. I will compile a loan availability report - which position do you want me to look out for?"

"Well...I erm, I dont actually know what players we have, so maybe....yeah just try and do all the positions, and we can go from there. Thanks Eric". Dammit. Should have probably looked at who we had. Not that id know any of the players by name, they're all bloody french nobodies.

A man, with the initials "CM" stood up. Claude Michel. First team coach. I had been warned about him. "I think Lionel Mathis should be taking free kicks".

"Right....yeah sure, i mean, you know the players, so...thanks. Good start." I eloquently stuttered. Yeah, this management malarkey is easy. these guys know the players, just go with what they say.

"I think Thibault Giresse should take free kicks" said Eric.

"Right, ok." They were ready to revolt. I had to take charge, that's what the best managers do in these situations. "Well, we will have to just pick whoever is best, I don't want to make any cemented decisions just yet so lets not argue about these things" Eric's tremendous eyebrows danced around his face and his eyes lit up. Damn I am such a good manager!

"Ok Boss!" Eric declared. "and Giresse should be on corners".

"Fine." I said. "now, last season, what did...."

"I think Faith Atik should be taking corners" said Claude.

"Claude, what did I literally just say to Eric?"

"Christopher Mandanne should be taking penalties" replied Claude

"Thibault Giresse should be taking penalties" interjected Eric

"Guys, guys guys. Listen. Get everyone to take 10 corners, pens and free kicks. Whoever does the best, stick them on a list. I don't care. Can we talk about formation now?"